United States of AUSome

Bondi Beach

Beachin’ it (Taken with instagram)

Ground Zero. Never Forget.

Ground Zero. Never Forget.

This is what I accidentaly BLASTED in my room this morning once Reser came into the room. Needless to say… The Dirka Dirka Fella wasn’t clapping… you know what that means!!!

My Roommate is a…

Assa Lama Lakum!!

That means May Peace Be With You in Muslim.

And just like Muslims…This will by NO means be Peaceful.

So in case you missed it… we have a MASSIVE problem on our hands, and YES it is a bigger problem than the US credit rating dropping like a hooker at a whorehouse back home (ya I watch the news)…. but Real Talk..  Reser and I are NOT roommates. The fantastical staff of UTS decided to split up these two Bromericans.

 I just love the staff here at UTS… ««««< S—L——UTS!

^^^Hehe That’s our schools famous chant.

So anyways they split us up after we asked to be together and put a smiley face at the end…. What kind of person denies a smiley face!!! I should of winkyfaced it. But they thought Reser was Stephen Glansberg and put him in his natural habitat, alone. And since I am I’m still afraid of the dark, coli flour, And clowns (like why do they ALL have such big feet?) I was put in a double room… WITH GOD KNOWS WHO. Fingers crossed it’s a hot Swedish chick.

But I was all alone, no roommate… Just me, myself, and my weird thoughts with no Judy to Judge me…… I jumped on my bed, cooked naked, and played chess against myself… It was liberating… Or is that Liberal? Samething.

Now Alex and I were trying to live together in the first place and the first week of school was already over, so we thought if I had a roommate, he would be here by now , so we we’re in the everCLEAR.

So we went to the UTS housing again to try to get Rese moved into my room then BOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!

B!tch dropped a BOMB on us. She said I DO have a roommate coming, MY MIND WENT BLANK, all I was thinking was please Allah let him be cool, not a creeper, and not better looking than me.

CHRIS… your roommates name is…

Please god I’ll be a good boy and make my bed and warsh my dishes if you let me have a cool roommate!!!!!  

Nafir Ackmehed Muhammad Dirka Dirka Suxa Alotof Dickistan.


Current Situation: ROCK


                     HARD PLACE

Now This whole housing situation just pulled a 180. It now has a spiking resemblance to a sorority house dance… Everything’s GREAT in the beginning…. But it’s most likely gonna Blow at the end (haha get your mind out of the gutter… by blow I Mean SUCK… whoops…And by SUCK I mean you’ll be holding the back the hair of some Sloppy Puking Disney character or fighting against the female version of HULK at the end of the night). But the only good thing about a sorority house dance is we get free booze for once… But in this reference, my ‘free booze’ is in the form a Creepy Mute Saudi Muslim with the appearance of a Billy Goat. So ya, this situation went from Good to Blows in 2.6 seconds.

(Current Situation:  We need a plan to get Muhammad Buzzkill to switch rooms with Stephen Glansberg. )

So we did a lot of drinking, and a lot of thinking… A lot of thinking about why my roommate acts the way he does. And we only came up with one reason… He’s A Fluffermuffin.

Great Odens Raven!!! Whats a fluffermuffin?!!

Thanks Ron… I’ll tell ya what it is.

A fluffermuffin is one who looks like he just came out of a sandstorm with dirt festering in all of his fingernails, and fungi growing from his overgrown toenails. I AM SCARED OF HIS TEETH… they are yellow and look like they are throwing up Gang Signs at me. He rarely leaves his room unless to use the bathroom for a lightening day at the Superbowl, or to shower in a bathroom where there is only ONE  towel hanging on the rack… MYYY TOOOOWWWEEELLLLL!!!! Mother FudgePacker used my towell!! If he is asked a question, such as “What’s your name :) ”, he answers in a voice so low voice that Crickets couldn’t even decipher if words were actually spoken or if a series of Grunts and Moans just toppled out of his mouth. He speaks so soft, I have a feeling even his farts are feminine and PUFF with glitter and sparkles.  Although this bloke may not speak loud to other people… boy does he love to throw around them Pots and Pans at 4:30 in the morning. It was so loud he might as well bring the pots to the subway station, nicely place his turban down for tips, and start playing so all of Sydney can hear him. After his 4:30 cooking… he’s got to eat the food right? So what does he do… he sits less than 1 feet away from the freshly awoken, kinda freaked out Sazz and stares as long and as creepily at her as if trying to give her a foot message with his eyes.   

(FYI: I was trying to give this guy a chance especially if he could carry a conversation and was a semi-normal looking person ya know…  but that whole Diplomacy thing went out the window when he wiped his naked body (i just got the shivers) with MY towel)

So In coming up with this Theory of Fluffermuffinness, we concluded that this man will only move rooms if he makes the choice himself to move rooms. And there is only one way know to man to pull off something like that… INCEPTION.

Current Situation: INCEPT HIS MIND

Heres our ideas to Incept his mind

Opperation Dumbo Drop-A-Mind-Bomb on Nafir Ackmehed Muhammad Dirka Dirka Suxa Alotof Dickistan so he switches rooms.

1.       Ask Nicely :)

2.       Sexual Seduction ;)

3.       Put Rebecca Black’s Friday on Repeat as loud as possible for 3 days

4.       Don’t say a word… just stare at him

5.       Leave empty beer cans in such a Fratty manner that Jon Beluschi would ascend from heaven and shake our hands.

6.       Walk around in a European man thong… although he might get switched on.

7.       Waste an abundance of Petroleum in his presence

8.       Ask him to join me in an hourly reading of the Torah… If he says no… Read it anyways. SHALOM!

9.       Put Becky Blacks new Song on Repeat… No one can stand her screechy voice for more than 60 minutes without setting of a bomb to blow up the computer…. or themselves

10.   ^^^Frame him for bombing things. (haha I think that’s too believable)

And if all else fails…

11.   Tell him I saw 72 virgins in Resers room. That should get him UP and outta here real quick.

(If you have any ideas… write them and send them to us)

But he said he would think aboot it so we are asking him again NICELY tomorrow.

Predicted Current Situation Tomorrow: He comes out of the closet and admits he likes Boys… We’re F#&K@D!!

So with all due respect Mr. Saudi Man,


Boys Will Be Boys… They Play with Balls

Let’s get something straight… AUSSIES LOVE THEIR FOOTY.  The only thing is, the people in this country are like College Football Fans in the state of Oregon, they can’t decide which team/league they like until a team they know is on top… Sssoundsss Vewwyy Sssimilar to Fwanss of a Sssqueaky Wittle Dinsssney character wiff A Ssspeach Im-p-p-pediment.  (Duck The Fucks!!). Australia has 3 “Major Leagues” here. The NRL, AFL and the Union. The NRL is closest to the NFL. By the way… Aussies copy EVERYTHING that America does. Besides the fact they only get like 12 channels here, Every Show here is a knock off of an American show. It was funny at first… but now it’s like, PISS OFF!!!! And get your own shows. But they DO show Baseball games in the morning, it’s just they haven’t shown Giants once, so I can’t even introduce Aussies to the awesomeness that is THE BEARD, THE PANDA, OR THE FREAK.

^^^They have to be the Raddest NickNames in the MLB. Hands Down.

And If you are sitting here reading this, not having a slightest clue about who those guys are and you are saying to yourself “No One Watches Baseball Until the Playoffs Anyway”

This is what I have to say to you…. DIVERSIFY YOUR BONDS BITCH. Because A) You are Wrong!! And B) You must be A GIRL…… Or…you are from OREGON. If you fall into one of those unfortunate categories I probably won’t be able to change you mind, So go Root on your Timbers, wave your Limp Green Handkerchiefs, and go Celebrate a 0-0 tie where nothing happens and Everyone is a Winner.

Back to Rugby.

·         In Sydney, the NRL is like the NFL, but out of the 24 teams, 10 are Fudgepacked into one state. So the competition is kind of like a late night Piss at the Bar… Diluted. But Sazz took Us took a game and it was SWWEETTT. They Lost. Haha but apparently we saw a Normal Game for the Paramata Eels… they lost in the last minute. But UPSIDE… they had some sexy cheerleaders. I mean they did have the dancing skills of the Average Construction Worker… But thinking aboot it, maybe one of them could dance with the OSU girls. But over the last few years… that’s not saying much.

·         South of here, the AFL aka ‘Aussie Rules’ is HUGE like college football back in the States, and I can’t understand why. Because in Aussie Rules No One Ever seem to get Hit and everyone is always hopping around all Nimbily Bimbily Like chasing an Oblong ball that doesn’t like to be caught… kind of like Quidditch. And it all end in an Ass Slap WITHOUT saying Good Game. The game play reminds me of a 4th grade girls Soccer game and Pee Wee football scrambled together with some Ass Bacon, but you can call TIMEOUT DONT TOUCH ME if you catch the ball off a kick. If you ask me… it’s a little Queer.

·         And The Union is their national team… except their best players don’t play for them. (Makes Sense). They were Doomed from the start… their Name is the bloody Wallabees (Kangaroos wimpy autistic cousin) like that’s going to intimidate a team like New Zealand’s  ALL BLACKS,  who eat baby Rhino’s Before the game.  Then for show, They slap the ba-jesus out of their legs that might I add are built like a Brick ShitHouse, then stick out their tongue in a festive manner, and grab their COCKerspaniel all while Screaming Scarry Words I don’t Understand. It’s Quite the spectacle… or is it special. I don’t know. Anyways I watched the Aussies get ChrisBrowned by the All Blacks in a place where they haven’t won for 25 years. So needless to say, they looked like Rihanna after the game. The best part about the game wasn’t even the game, it was the HAKA!!! (Check the Video)


Thats enough Footy talk for me.

Back to Real a real Sport……………………BASKETBALL!

So I was checking out some activities on campus last week, trying to “Get Involved”. But they don’t have any FRATS so I’m still failing to grasp the concept of what “getting involved” means, when I can “get involved” in a fifth and an AnythinggoesButClothes Rager back home. But while I was walking around with my hands in my pockets, I saw a card for the basketball club. SWIPE. So you know I grabbed the card and hit them up figuring to play some IMs, Or whatever stupid name they would have for it. But turns out They were having tryouts for the University team on Sunday for their ALL Australian University Games coming up in September (the March Madness of Australia). It’s THE biggest college basketball tourney they have in AussieLand.


So 1. I haven’t played ball since late may so I was fresh out of basketball shape. And 2 gyms are HEEPS expensive here so I figured at worst I could get some good exercise and a rug burn on my dip stick (I said AT WORST). So I said WHAT THE HAY (Ohhhhh HAAAAYYYYY Tuuccckkkk….. Oh Haaayyy CRRRUUUSSSTTTYYY) and went anyways… not expecting much. 


When I walked in the gym 5 min late (I am a foreigner and I got lost…Back off) There were guys doing like reverse 360 dunks. So I figured I was just here for a good work out and maybe a dickburn. But Like Paul Wall says…….. BALLIN IS A HABBIT. And that Ballin is MY Habit that is just like riding a bike… You can call me Lance Armstrong’s CancerFilled Left Testicle because I freggin KILLED it!!!!

But it wasn’t like that when we first picked teams… I GOT PICKED LAST!!! Hahah that act of stupidity made me giggle. Then made me mad. They had the mindset that I wasn’t a real person (baller) so they thought “Place him with the rest of the people belonging Three-Fifths Compromise of 1787 because HES JUST A WITTLE GUY BULLSHIT.

AND That pissed me off… so you know what I did

I time travelled back to America in my flying gas guzzling hummer, bought a greasy Big Mack with large fries that I didn’t eat…. and Grabbed the EMANCIPATION PROCLIMATION from Nicholas Cage and shoved it straight up their Kangaroo Loving Turd Cutters.

You may think that’s a little Extreme…. (EXTREMEBURG!! Lets go to the Ette when I get back… No? Sorry. Miss ya bud.)

But… You know what I did all of this… it’s because I AM FUCKING AMERICAN….. AND IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW….. WE CAN FUCKING BAAAAALLLLL.


So after I procured my illegally-forged documentations of my rights as an American… (No taxation without Representation)… These guys fell in love with me.

But who would love you Chris?

Shut you flap jack Sagget!!!

Maybe they loved me because of my Supreme Height… Nope. Maybe they are gay-curious and think I look like Ryan Reynolds… No not that either.  Hahaha maybe they think I know Marissa from the OC and they want to be my friend…. close, but no. These guys fell in love with me cause I can Hustle and Score (two life skills every black fella from tha hood needs)… Im pretty gangster if you missed the memo. HAHA One guy even told me they could use an American for INTIMIDATION. hahaha… Me… Intimidating? HA.

Anyways, I got word TODAY that I MADE THE UNIVERSITY TEAM if I want it (which is a D 1 school).

If My math is correct… that TECHNICALLY make me AN INTERNATIONAL BALLER. If I want to be.

Holla Holla City of Squallah (Chow’s voice)


Anyways blasting out of here like the Guy in Entourage

But…… You know what it is…..



Peace Love Balls






The All Black’s Haka… now thats how you PreGame.

For some reason, The Aussies/Radio/Clubs here choose to only play the Top 100 Pop songs from 2005 (its called the internet) But I finally found a good Aussie Rap song.


(hes my hero)

Well Dude Its Like This…

Slap the Thigh… And Ride the Wave In (A Matthew McConaughey Production)


First things first… F*CK YOU TUMBLR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I literally wrote a 5 page, double spaced, MLA format (with correct citations), size 12 FuckONT post about gods gift to earth (You’ll See). It was quick and whitty like Lightning with sparks of comedical genius that would make the Dolly Lama himself laugh so hard he would piss his Diaper, and then go… WAIT… What The F did he just say………That’s NOT COOL!!

So due to Tumblr’s disability, and its time limitations… AND the fact it rides the Short Bus to the Internet. (I clicked SAVE and it logged/timed me out and lost my 5 pages of Eargasmic Aussie Literation). So TOUCHE TUMBLR… I have now lost my second post and have learned my lesson. Lesson #1. I will always and forever Take My Shoes Off before I pass out…  what what…. JVHighSchoolDINKERSClub4Life. and 2. I will be Microsoft’s Word’s hubby bitch from now on and not cheat on Word ever again with that Dumb Bitch site that cant even spell ‘TUMBLER’ right.

“YES… Your Right HoneyBearSugarKisses… Tumblr is a Stupid Whore… I bet she has a Million ‘USERS’ inside of her right now.” -ME 5 minutes after I came crawling back to Word

(sorry for the Domestic Violence and the offensive language… I put my ANGRY PANTIES on earlier… But Dont worry, I just took them off… so I am in a “Free Ballin” Care Free state of mind now… I feel Better)

(SAVE)«« Learning

So… I’ll do my best to recreate that Magical essence that is usually only reserved for First kisses, old couples doing Cutsie things in the park, and of course Disney Movies!


Okay, so yesterday I was SUPPOSED to get all caught up on the Australian Shenanigans that we have been Down to, like Surfing the Coast, getting hit with some KNOWLEDGE at our First Rugby Match, Trying out for the University Basketball Team, or have Dirka Dirka Muhammad Jihads dirty cousin move into my room instead of Reser. But NOOOOO…. all I wrote was a friggin Aboriginal FerryTale closely resembling what GLEE’s and Pochaontas’ offspring would look like. It was… basically a fusion of BollyWood and a Queertastic MusicalRomCom. But dont get me wrong about RomComs… I can definitely hang with the BEST of the RomCom Fanatics. NO HOMO, But I have seen like every Matthew McConaughey flick know to cinema. #truth. I like to think of My Boy Matty Mac and Me as being like the Same Person or like SIAMESE TWUNKS (Twin-Hunks). I mean, Its not our fault we both moonwalked out of the birth canal with Devilishly Good Looks, We both have Beautiful Blonde Locks that Blow in the Breeze on a Calm Day, We can smooth talk our way into any girls size 16 granny panties… and he ALMOST has as good of a beach body as me. With that being said… I mean come on… Not everyone can be #Winners like Me, Reser, The Lincoln Lawyer, and the Sheen Machine. So I’ll take one for the team and answer the question EVERYMAN has been faced with once or 12 times in their lives. I don’t think you are ready for this. So, HYPOTHETICALLY speaking, IF someone were to tell me I HAD TO make the choice to Mate like a Wildebeest with Courtney Love and her ButtTox infused Lips OR  with Mr. McConaug-a-Man and his surfboard… lets just say I might Steer Off The Beaten Path. HAHA. what. But McConaMANs flicks may not always have had the most intellectually riveting plots’, but whenever he takes his shirt off in the movies… you better believe there goes mine too……. Ya, Its just… This game just gets a little AWKWARD turtle when he takes off his Board Shorts………. Okay, SLOW DOWN TIGER… now just in case any of you have your JUDGE JUDY GOWN on and are slamming your GAYVEL and saying OFF with his head (I might ask you which head were you thinking about Homo?) I would like to reinforce the point I made Earlier……….. I said NO HOMO so it’s not gay. Right?


I just re-read that and WOW…………………………….. Im gay.

Haha BUT not GAY GAAAYYYYY…. those are two TOTALLY different things.

Otay.. I just listened to some disney bangers and took a breather…. where was I?

So the whole reason I got on this wildly adventurous McCon-a-Tangent is because, if you didnt know, Reser and I are kind of a big deal (Debateable)… and people know us (also Debateable). And since our fame has grown to such an unprecedented level (3 friends) on floor 20 of the Double-Dick Building (aka Peter Johnson) it was informed to me that all Famous People and Black Rappers (same thing) have autobiographies about them. And since I rap in my head on this side, simple Logic tells me that I NEED a Movie about me… like 8 Mile with a surfboard. And since My Boy @MattyMac is balls deeps in the business of making Autobiographical movies (i.e. Fool’s Gold, How to Loose A Guy In 10 Days, Dazed and Confused, Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past, ect.) McConaughey has been tweeting at me like Californians at a stop sign. (=Non-Stop for you sheltered folk). And I could definitively FUX with McConaughey playing me in a Movie.


Its a non-fictional true story about real guys just like us just cruising to the waves of life…. so in non hippie terms, the movie is LOOSLEY based on My and Resers lives. NBD. He dubbed it Surfer Dude… Have you seen It?

Watching the movie was tough, cause with Matty on the screen its like looking in a mirror, and Sometimes I get lost in my own eyes. Do you know what I am Saying?

Now If you haven’t seen Surfer Dude… Heres the SPARKNOTES: The movie is smashed full of Sufing some Gnar Gnar With Brociedon, King of The Brocean…  Bare Beaches… Naked Bitches… and Sticky Bushes. Basically… our lives in a nutshell. HA.

And Then I woke Up….

So we did go to the beach and damnn it was FUUNNNN…. but on the first day surfing… the only thing resembling ‘Surfing Some Gnar’ and ‘Sticky Bushes’ Was the seaweed funnelled up my crack caynon when Brociedon, King of the Brocean pounded his size 12 boot up my NOT SIZE 12 ARSE. With that being said, Reser got up on like his first Wave. LIKE A BOSS. And I laid an EGG for the first hour… LIKE A BOSS. But I took the mental and physical beating like a man and take full responsibility for my shittyness… NOT. I blame it on the Pink board I was given because One… Resers woody was WAY bigger, so naturally I was embarrassed at the size of my ‘piece’. And 2… uh ya its Pink and it reminded me of a very feminine fart…  or like Driving a Diesel SlugBug… no matter what colour it is.

So As I was sitting on the geo metros of surfboards… searching for inspiration to catch that perfect wave (my first wave), I reached deep into my soul and thought of what the wisest person I had ever met would say… But the wisest man I ever met was Dr Seuss… and all he said to me was  “I say No to drugs, but they dont listen”.

Somehow……………. It worked!

S/O Big Seuss

So we caught a few more waves, picked some daises, and called it quits for the day. Then we had a nice glass of Coke in our Illegally Imported Red Cup from America and returned to Sazz’s home for a nice home cooked meal, where we learned Firsthand just how similar Vegemite and a Salted Dirty Sock taste. Apparently its an ‘acquired taste’ … but I’m my opinion… so Is Drinking Your Own Piss, so consider me a Baby Cow at a Veal Convention if I get stranded in the desert with a cantina and a can of Vegemite.

But big ups to the Gillett fam for their Hospitality and 4 month supply of candy bars. I have been Num Numing on those Tum Tumings for days.

Anyways that wasn’t all the surfing we have done. Oh no no no. WE ARE IN AUSSIE LAND PEOPLE. Gotta get down with the Kiwis. Last weekend we went to Taragold for Lozz’s Bday. The Girls were hotter… waves were Bigger… and our confidence was… Swelling. With our boards in hand and wet suits swollen with confidence Reser and I did some real surfing. And by real surfing I mean we got out there, treated the ocean like you should treat a one night stand with a chunky monkey… you Slap her Thigh and Ride the Wave In. KOOWWWAAABUNNNGGAAA!!!!!!

Well thats the jist of our surfers tale for now.

And I know I left out some seriously copacetic shit from when I wrote this earlier, but the addys wearing out and its real late (after 4 am) over here in futureville. But for all my boys who lived in the freshman porch with me… ITS 5 IN THE MORNING.. and you know the rest.

I need Rest.

Speaking of rest… you know how the rest goes…

Peace Love McConaughey



Pics From Surfing Day 1…

Word of the Day……. SWAG

(Click on the pics for captions)

p.s. add Sarah ‘Saz’ Gillett on facebook if you want to see the rest of the pics.

^^^She only has 76 friends on facebook (75 are pending) so she could use some help.

bennaayyyy said: An Australian painter once told me Fosters is the Budweiser of Australia.

This is a 2 part question.

1. Down under the land of a thousand Butter-faces?

2. Do brown paper bags come cheap down there?

Good Questions Bangtime…

Okay, Uno, Drinking Fosters DownUnder is like Going Porking for fatties at Sanchos… you might take a couple down when you are Drunk… but NEVER tell your friends.

1. So a couple days ago I put up a post basically saying that all Australian girls are ButterFaces… 50 yard Fakeouts… you know, Good From Afar but Far From Good. You know the deal.

And for the girls that I saw the first week… they were definitely BrownBaggers.

Check That…

They were Double BrownBaggers… I’d double BrownBag them… but I wouldn’t give the second bag to her… I would take the second one for myself, AND THROW IT ON MY HEAD… just in case hers fell off.

Laughing at them was fun… good times.

^Sorry, I’ll take my RudePants off…

BUT… due to being at the Beach and there being HEEPS more ladies at Uni these last few days, I would like to REPHRASE that last post about most Aussie chicks.

Aussie Chicks are SMOKIN… just stay away from Chinatown… and stay close to the Beaches and go to Class (Incentives).

If you are a Hot Aussie (In the words of my good friend Dom) #GetAtMe

P.s. Benny, Aussie surfer chicks are as Fancy as doing the No Pants Dance with @Keshasuxx… superfancy

Blue Mountains, Aboriginals and Didgeridoos… That’s What We Do

So its been 2 weeks since we have been #DownUnder and it seems like 2 months. We have done soo much sheet (that’s how they cuss) here. Its getting a little Blurry on which day this was… and I don’t have my glasses on, but if I squint my eyes, I’m pretty sure it was the day after #Friday. But we took a trip to the Blue Mountains to see the 3 Sisters. (Haha NO Reser, NOT “Like the 3 Sisters in Oregon?”) To an area what they call…. let me pronounce this right… The #Bush. That just means a #Count-ryside with #Wood ed areas… flying #Cock-a-toos… wild #Dingos… and #Naked AbOri #Ginals (look at all those things… I am beginning to think whoever may have named everything in AussieLand may have had a very DirtyMind… thought a lot about DirtyPillows… and had a Trifling case of Turrets).

And if you are wondering why #Friday was in the dirty word category… thank Rebecca Black and her stupid new song My Moment… I could hear the Fingernail-to-Chalkboard-Esk Screechy Voice and Uncoordinated Dance moves from Sydney. Yes… we could Hear those ThunderThigh pounding Dance moves that make Davey Crocket roll in his Grave.

Speaking of Grave… Hey Pops! Heyo Marty!

Back to Becky Black… don’t get me wrong… I DO hate You, but GodDamnIt do I Respect you. Because like ALL things Not named #LukeWalton, you and your music HAS a Useful Purpose in life (Coming Soon: Operation Dumbo Drop-A-Bomb on My Creepy New Roommate)… so to that, I will thank you.

Seriously Chris… this has had nothing to do with Blue Mountains. Get back on topic.

William Shattner!!! Sorry… I’ll get back on topic… or did he say toppings?

Toppings. Holy Mel Gibson… they seriously have Ice Cream Shops, Candy Stores, Chocolate Bars on every corner. With all the sweets that everyone eats… Its a miracle that every girl here doesn’t look like Rosie O’Donnell with a splice of Two-Tooth-Tommy. I’m just throwin this out there… but Jared from Subway, would look like Fat Oprah from when she was fat if he came and visited here. The amount of chocolate would not only turn him into a 400 lb diabetic… but also cover his skin… which medically speaking is referred to a Reverse Randy-Michael Jackson.


Sorry Bill, can I call you Bill? Its just a double Oreo fudge McFlurry to my face sounded real good.

There I go again.


Well… the Mountains aren’t exactly Blue… and they look more like a Plateaus to me. So whichever DidgeriDoo Playin Bogan named them is on my “Hes Not The Fastest Swimmer In The Ocean, So Swim Next To Him List”… and yes I have that list, but Im not showing you.

But the mountains were AWESOME. You could see for Days… and by days I Mean like 50 Miles (haha I’m not sure if 50 miles is far for a lookout… but I could almost see Pakistan) 

Anyways, if One said Person was in high school…All this Person would need is a car with flip down seats, some Rascal Flats on the 1s and 2s, a Classy Bottle of 2-Buck-Chuck… and of course, a Babe… and it would have made getting an OldFashioned as easy as Meat Pie.

^^^Thats the First Mental Picture I got when we rolled up to the lookout point. 


But going along with the trend that Aussies do EVERYTHING backwards… a famous National Food of theirs is Meat Pie and IceCream Pancakes. Wait-it-tick. Thats right. They put Meat in their Pies and Cream on their Pancakes. (hahah thats sooo funny that I dont need to make a Funny) And as much as I hate Driving on the leftside of the Road… they got this one Right! You can put PeanutButter in My Smoothie and call me Sally as long as it tastes like a Meat Pie or Icream Pancakes… cause they are Scrum-Num-Num-Diddily-Umptious. (I have a Copyright pending for that word so you have 90 days to use it free of charge)

Crap… too many tangents… tangerines… oh poop there I go talking aboot food again.

(Note to self: Eat before Writing or this will become a dirty version of Martha Stewarts Food Blog… that might be entertaining)


On top of the mountain two things occurred to me.

First, A History Lesson: Aussie’s Aboriginals= American’s Indians.

Its a sad story that like Americans, Aussies took the locals lands from them and pushed them onto the Outback, but DAAMMMNNN, they can play one hell of a DidgeriDoo.

But at the lookout we met an Aboriginal whos name was Pronounced by using your tongue and hand gestures…. If my translation is correct Im pretty sure it translates to “Click Clack Knee Slap”. Now like any true Aboriginal, my boy Click Clack Knee Slap could play a DidgeriDoo that could make an Irish Leprechaun river dance all the way to his Luck Charms. But its was listening to this when the second thing Occurred to me… I had an epiphany…




wait… I forgot.



Oh ya..

Here it is……..

Ready to have your mind Blown?


DIDGERIDOO = The BabdyDaddy of DUBSTEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh you didn’t know?

This is Awkward…

Turtle…Turtle… BUT THIS IS MY THEORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To explain my theory I need to tell a story.

(In Morgan Freemans Voice)

Story Time: 100 Moons and 1 FortNight ago, (=10yrs and 1 Fortnight) Click Clack Knee Slap’s Father… SmokeCaughCaughPassHeelClick had been leading Amsterdamns Techno Queen, Ms.RageALotOfPuss, out in the Outback for the last 10 years on their Walkabout. This walkabout was very long, dangerous, and filled with the infamous HappHungrySleepyPlant. So as you could tell Mr. HeelCLick (respect your elders) was putting in some serious time, energy, and trees with this young lassie…

And She noticed the time he put in… so she did what any self-respecting woman should do… she PUT OUT!! Cause Didgeridoo Playas DidgeriDONT get put in the ‘friendzone’!!! or (matezone)

So they Smushed. And She got knocked up, cause he didnt use no Trojan Jimmy.

Ka-Kaw! Ka-Kaw!

^^^Thats the stork flying to drop off the baby

She wanted to name it Dublin… BUT he wanted to name it Flip Flap Slip Step.

But it came out of the womb (aka basket) wearing ManPries, rocking a EUROmullet and charged them $5 for the tapwater it came out with.

So they beat him like a redheaded step child and sent him to European Clubs… where he now resides in all of our Ruptured Eardrums.

(He was later high and told his 5 yr old son… You think 7 years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.)

Oh… that might explain the lack of self confidence and the fact he is living in A Van Down By the River.

That’s my theory.

Now I know some of you are thinkin… Oh Fuck Off Chris… Now I would tell you to DidgeriDONT use that language and listen to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAkFBQ6sIcc


Oh wait its still not me.

But seriously, was i Left or Was I Right.

Add some bass and BOOM there you got it.


Now, Im not gonna toot my own Didgeridoo, but Im pretty sure that Theory deserves a Noble Peace Prize… or a cookie.

But until next time,

Peace Love Didgeridoos

If you want to see all 300 pictures so far… add Sarah “Sazz” Gillett on facebook.

Now Dont be shy… she likes All types of Boys… even Girls (some call her Bi-Courious). But I Confirmed with her that she will Confrim with Facebook to Confirm you to be your Friend on Facebook to be your online pal.

Meanwhile In Australia…

(Trent from Punchy)

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